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The Myth of 'Weak' Parents
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Clearly we need to give our reasons once only and then refuse to explain, or persuade further. But what do we do when we refuse to discuss further but our child still objects and still refuses to do what we ask?
I have been watching a "super" parent on TV who proports to know the answer. I watched her demostrate how we need to be far clearer in our routines in home and how we need to tell a badly behaved two year old what you want "very firmly". This reminds me of getting in to a fairly typical conversation with a young woman on a train. When I told her that I trained parents and teachers she said that training was not necessary - she would have no trouble in controlling difficult children. How would you do it? I asked. I would be clear and very "strict" she said.
Perhaps the most damaging of the parenting myths is the myth that parents with difficult children are too weak and just need to be "firmer" "more Strict" or give their child a hard smack. Do perpetuators of this myth think that parents are not constantly attempting to do this?
"Yes," I said "but what would you do to show them that your were very clear and very 'strict'."
As usual this was a little more difficult to answer because people don't want to appear boastful, they are reluctant to say why they are so sure they would succeed. For them the reason parents aren't successful is really about strength of character, they are convinced that they would be strong and determined enough to succeed. Children would recognise their determination, the strength of their character, and would immediately back down. But my question is an important one, how will they show the children their strength of character?
Pressed to be more specific the answer always is that they would show their strength of character by the way they speak to the children. They would speak in a very strong, determined and authoratitive voice.
Clearly, speaking in a determined voice must have some success or the myth of strength of character would never have developed. The problem is it can only work because our voice and manner tell the child we are determined and know what we are doing and therefore, will know what to do should they continue. True, the voice can sometimes be enough, but what do we do if they check this out and call our bluff? Do we really know what to do then? Or is our only strategy to use an even stronger and more determined voice or get increasing louder and more angry, with our ultimate deterent to give a really hard smack? What do we do if we do all of this, including smacking, and it just makes them more angry and uncooperative? What do we do then? Children are often far quicker to spot the truth than we are. The truth is
that frustrated shouting, telling off, anger, hitting are not sanctions
their main effect is to make children feel bad about themselves and, because they copy us, act more angry and powerful themselves. They increase bad behaviour and make children less likely to back down.
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